NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! LSU, Oregon, Nebraska let their pathos shine

First off, thanks to everyone who submitted hot takes, shitposts, tweets, meltdowns, and the like. We may just collectively pull this off, y’all!

Consider this a standing warning: the Meltdown frequently features language and imagery that is offensive, that is beyond the pale, that is replete with -isms and -ists and -phobias, and other displays of inhumanity that would offend the overlords in New York and everyone on Twitter with an anime avatar. And especially beware the Texas and Oklahoma schools: There has to be something they’re drinking in all that fracking water.

This weekend had some true coaching wizardry on display, including Oregon trotting out Bo Nix and expecting a competitive game, Brian Kelly and Mike Norvell one-upping the other in trying to get a buyout, and Virginia Tech kicking everything off with a solid road loss to Old Dominion. Special teams, my god, the special teams.

And don’t think for a second we forgot Scott Frost and Nebraska sharting all over Dublin either with the worst onside kick attempt in perhaps the history of modern college football.

Today’s targets: Scott Frost, special teams play in general, Kayshon Boutte, Brian Kelly, UNC’s defense, Bo Nix, and more.

Nebraska

This is easily the best QB play we have seen in a long, long, long time. Thank you Texas!

OMGOMGOMG We did a good run thing!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF Why in the living f*ck would you do that?

thank god we have someone dedicated to special teams

That onside kick call hanging like the sword of Damocles over Frosty’s head as we head to the 4th. Goodgawd if we lose this game they will grill him into toast for that one.

But if you close your eyes, it can almost feel like nothings changed at all

Gonna be a long year man.....honestly just sucks monster ass to be a Husker fan.

I don’t have the emotional capital to do this again.

Fuck you Frost.

We should fake the punt. That’ll catch ‘em off guard.

He’ll have plenty of money to hang out and watch games for a couple of season. Then go to rehab with Nick Sabin for a couple of seasons.

SF: welp looks like I’m gonna lose that 7.5 million on side kick bet

I actually can’t believe they’re going to lose this I had a bad feeling about it but I mean it’s just it’s thesame f****** song and dance every mother f****** year special teams turnovers even though one of those wasn’t a turnover

I wonder if Kirk Herbstreit thinks we’ll still win the West.

Our punishment for firing a 9 win coach and not being content. There is no hot seat. It’s a puddle of molten steel

With the clapping throwing off the line I felt I had to give the guys a chance to win and the onside kick did that -Scott Frost

I wonder if Ireland’s football coach wants to take frost’s job

That onside kick....what a colossal disaster. Frost needs to be roasted on a skewer for that one.

Frost would have to stand on a very tall ladder just to kiss the underside of Fitz’s ass when it comes to coaching.

Anyone who brings up the “who are you going to get” ine shouldn’t be allow to vote or have children.

Say what you want, but I bet 95 year old Solich wouldn’t have called that on-side kick

You guys, drinking helps.

---

West Virginia

WVU needs a coach that doesn’t pee sitting down! Lot of faith in your O-line and running back to punt on 4th and inches!

Was the game filmed on 1992 era CCTV video equipment?.

Did you guys know this was the “backyard brawl”? Just wanted to make sure in case you didn’t hear the announcers say it 122 times.

---

Oregon

Can someone tell Oregon’s defense that this isn’t Flag Football ? Lol

Cristobal takes Miami to the playoffs this year. U of O is relegated down to an FCS school.

Phil Knight, in a prime time ABC interview, has this to say - “I’ve always loved the great state of Washington. Deep down I’ve always been a Huskie.”

“GODDAMMIT TURD FURGUSSEN YOU BLEW OUR ONLY CHANCE AT A GARBAGE TIME TD, WHICH IS WORTH THE SAME AMOUNT OF POINTS AS A REGULAR TD BUT ALSO MAKES YOU FEEL SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT”

“OH GREAT, fucking highlights of Bo Nix beating us in different uniform”

“Sweet, so now Nix has beaten Oregon twice.”

“Watching Bo will be like someone ordering Dominos/PizzaHut/Papa John’s every pizza night. You’ll angrily eat it and simultaneously wonder why nobody orders literally anything else.”

“Nix is the worst QB I have seen play for Oregon since the 90’s. He can’t adjust the speed, float, or angle of his passes. It’s like watching a middle schooler throw a pass. Actually, an autistic middle schooler with one eye and vaginitis.”

The only redeeming fact is that there’s so many transfers it’s not even really us LMAO

Did you watch Anthony brown? We were so vanilla, a five year old could gameplan against us

Only down by 25 at the half. We got this!

I think most of us expected to lose the game. We didn’t expect to look like East Arkansas St in the process.

*** Buddhism. Definitely makes sports waaaaay easier to watch

---

LSU

You don’t remodel a neglected and dilapidated mansion in a week. It takes time.”
“Yeah but I expect better results from the contractor when I pay him $90M for the renovations.”

Dude is mad at LSU that he forgot how to catch the ball.

It looks like I’m not only one who’s decided to quit tonight.

CBK looked completely lost on the sidelines last night

3-9. I don’t see an obvious SEC win on that schedule. The only possibilities might be State or Auburn but I think Leach and Rogers will shred our Linebackers. Auburn is probably better than this team too.

Kelly just looked completely unprepared for the task at hand. The special teams problems are inexcusable. The entire coaching staff looked completely outmatched and outcoached.

I’m proud of the team for not quitting but it’s very telling when boutte is laughing when the extra point was blocked at the end of the game. All we have heard this entire off-season is how each player will be held accountable and the culture had changed. I saw nothing last night that leads me to believe that anything has changed.

JD gave us a chance to win & that is truly amazing.

“How do you feel about your team’s execution?”
I’m all for it!

Daniels out there looking like a poor man’s Emory Jones

For the billionth time, I find myself wishing there was some form of accountability for ridiculous internet commentary.

That was the most obvious hold in the history of holds. If you’re not a center at Bama.

How in the hell did we manage to get worse on offense??

Hope none of you took the over on win totals.

If this is our best QB, post for open walk on try outs please.

LSU; playing dumb football.
FSU; hold my beer

Fuck Brian Kelly and this bitchass team

I said it before he was hired and I’ll still be saying it after he’s fired: Fuck Brian Kelly. Fuck him then, now, always, and forever.

Though I guess him already being a complete dumpsterfire keeps me from having conflicting feelings after wins. Red-faced motherfucker acting like this was his first ever game as HC and not his 31st and his 13th at a (once) premier program while making $10M a year.

The whole coaching staff had this team woefully underprepared for a mediocre (at best!) FSU team. Dominated from start to finish. Meanwhile, Billy Napier took over a different 6-7 team and beat the #7 team in the country.

Two muffed punts, two blocked kicks, a shanked punt, and a dumb personal foul on a kickoff on the biggest kickoff of the game. You hafta work your ass off to be that bad on ST.

But please for the love of god, just stop playing these damn Week 1 showcase games if you’re just gonna get embarrassed. Get a rent-a-win at home and call it a day. The only time they actually looked good in one was 2018.

Oh welp, Year 3 of Checking Out Before October SZN is upon us!

“Brian Kelly buys his king cake from Walmart”

“I love how all of ESPN’s cameras are foggy 720p shit, but then they bust out the 4K camera for a closeup of Brian Kelly’s sweaty face.”

“Imagine being suspended for grades and school started a week ago? You lose the fucking syllabus?”

“I couldn’t give two shits or one for that matter what Nick does with him. He is a little bitch and he needs to either snap out of it or carry his punk ass on to greener pastures. If the MFr ain’t gonna play then let go of that scholly for someone that will.”

“Fuck him! I’d rather he take his punk ass to bama and get it over with.” (Boutte)

If this is the product he puts on the field for game one we are fucked. fsu sucks! They will get their doors blown off by any team worth a shit and then you might realize how awful we are.

---

Virginia Tech

Cut Wells and cut the goddamn holder! I’d say cut the long snapper. But if the goddamn holder wasn’t a gigantic coward and jumped on the goddamn ball, we would’ve won that goddamn game. Wells needs to be on the bench permanently. He hasn’t learned a goddamn thing since he led the nation in goddamn INTs last year. He’s gotta be leading the nation again this year! Bench him permanently! Jesus effing Christ.

“I’m going to curl up on the couch with a bottle of Ardbeg 10 and listen to The National until sunrise...”

“Fuck you, Justin Fuente.

There’s a reason neither you nor any of your shitty fucking coordinators can’t find employment anymore. Fucking snake oil scam artists masquerading as high paid coaches. Fuck you”

When in doubt, blame the former coach

---

Bonus Nocackalack

We even had a bonus UNC appearance. After blowing a 20-point lead with 8 minutes remaining, and hanging on for a 63-61 win against a Sun Belt team:

Hiring Mack back was so awesome. When he goes can we go after Bunting! Maybe Fedora again? I want to be as bad as we possibly can be so there are zero expectations every year and football will be fun again!

And it wasn’t all bad actually. Of the 664 total yards Carolina allowed, it didn’t allow three yards on two separate conversions that helped secure the game.

UNC’s defense was so poor today that scoring a touchdown to go up by eight with :28 was a bad idea.